Through my years and many many many online dates, I’ve learned a thing or two about online dating. It’s now my civic duty to pass it on because knowledge is power!
Show don’t tell: Nothing drives me more bonkers when some a-hole drones about just *how* funny s/he is, yet never utters anything even remotely humorous. If Yakov Smirnoff comes off more playful, to quote Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost, “you in danger, girl.”
Also please please please don’t describe YOURSELF as “sexy” or “cute”. Confidence is great, no doubt about that but let us be the judge of something subjective.
ALL CAPS MEANS ALL CRAZY.
Spelling: not everyone had the good fortune of growing up with a speak and spell like I did. So, if you’re a bad speller, it’s certainly not a deal breaker. However, not giving the two squirts of doo it would take to run your profile through a spell checker is inexcusable. The hard truth is, this is your first impression with a potential date. If you write like a high functioning retarded person, that’s what they’re going to think of you.
Homophones: Dear God people learn the difference between your and you’re and they’re, their and they’re. Among others.
Form complete sentences and spell out words. I realize we’re in the age of texting but your profile is not a text and therefore “u” and “2” is unacceptable unless it’s 1984 and you’re Prince.
More than one “LOL” and you should “STFU”: Unless you’re a pre-pubescent young girl that’s smitten with Bieber fever, this is unacceptable.
If you’re married and/or involved, say so: Many sites have this option to include in your profile now. Use it.
Represent yourself honestly, physically:
A – Use a recent photo: It’s ok if you’ve hit the hostess ho-ho’s hard in the past year. We’ve all gained some here and there. Just be upfront about it. Some folks really dig the extra padding.
B – Be honest about your height
C – If you have an interesting aesthetic characteristic atypical of the norm (walleye, wheelchair, fetus coming out of your face), don’t hide it. Celebrate your ‘flaws’, it’s what makes you beautiful. And if you get less dates because of, so what? At least the ones you’ll get will be real.
Sooner or later, you’re going to be found out. So just be balls out (or labia out) honest. Be yourself. It’s tough out there, for sure, but there’s no need to make it harder.
And most important of all: HAVE FUN!!! Just because that person isn’t Mr/s Right maybe they can be a great film/ping pong/picnic/hiker/listener/asshair braider/pal.
Good luck fellow daters.
NOTE: If you have something you’d like to add that I’ve forgotten, feel free to email me at TragicProfiles@gmail.com