Creepy Guy keeps Creepy Spreadsheets of His Online Creepy paramours

Deadspin has the deets, along with the actual creepy spreadsheet.

 

Finance Guy Keeps Incredibly Detailed, Incredibly Creepy Spreadsheet Of His Match.com Prospects

 

Let’s call this guy, oh, “Dave.” Dave is a financial services employee in New York. Dave goes on Match.com, and meets women, and sometimes goes on dates with them. Then Dave goes home and enters all sorts of information into an Excel sheet, to keep track of everyone.


Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS

Posted in link. Tagged with , , , .

Panty Hose

Today’s Dater knows what he wants in a woman. No, it’s not brains, looks or a sense of humor. It’ s pantyhose. And high heels. I wonder if he prefers control top to sheer toe. Does he hate Spanx? Oh, the mind reels.

BTW this guy wants his lady to know the Good Wife’s Guide.  I”m hoping this is a hilarious joke because if not, I’m all ready to give this some high heels. Through his eyes.

If your Delorean is in the shop and you can’t get back to 1955, let me give you a summary:

  • Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
  • Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
  • Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
  • Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
  • During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
  • Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
  • Be happy to see him.
  • Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
  • Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
  • Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
  • Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
  • Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
  • Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
  • Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
  • A good wife always knows her place.
Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS

Posted in Uncategorized. Tagged with , , , , , .

Rejected Engagement Photos from the NY Times

*Sigh.*

*Heavier Sigh.*

*Groan, head falls on cube desk.*

Jesus tapdancing Christ. I never understand why people date if they have already found their soulmate.

Dog owners are seriously getting out of control. It’s a DOG!!!!!! Yes, it’s cute. Yes, I’m sure it provides lovely companionship. But it’s a freaking dog.

There’s a fine line between being a great pet owner and loving your animal and being a freak that puts there animal on a pedestal and this guy just scooted over it.

I feel like I just looked at an 80’s montage of two people falling in love:  He lounges with his dog; he rides his stupid, lameass vespa with his dog; and he carries it around in a f’ing snuggly.

And you just know this is the kind of dog that just shivers in 60 degree weather, yaps endlessly all the live long day, and shits his little pebble shits all over the place while his owner just shrugs it off and thinks “oh, they’re just so small and tiny! I don’t need to pick them up!”.

While his romance with his tiny canine might blossoming, I fear his romantic future with humans will just be…

Tragic.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS

Posted in photo. Tagged with , , , , , , , .

Journey to Uranus

We all have goals to achieve before we ‘settle down’ – some of us want to climb mountains, some of us want to ‘play the field’, and some, like this Dater, want to “stick it in a girl’s butt”.

The strangest thing about this profile was that the rest of it was fairly normal, sometimes charming, until you got to the “confident women terrify me” part . As soon as I got to that part, I fell down the dealbreaker spiral that all online daters  eventually encounter.

But where did the spiral lead to?

This gent’s desire to “stick it in a girl’s butt” before he gets married. There are no if’s, and’s or “butt’s” about it. If you are going to get hitched with this guy, you either have to lube up and take it like a lady or allow him to explore other rear ends.

Now, I’m not against this guy’s dream. I don’t begrudge him for wanting that. And it’s great to be honest. I’m all for it. But there’s a difference in honesty in advertising and talking about things reserved for 17th date confessions. Or not at all. If I went on a date with him and I was sucking down my vodka tonic, all I would think about is “does he just wants to stick it in my butt? He’s not even listening to my Tom-Hanks-is-better-in-Bosom-Buddies-than-Big-argument”.

While his search for the Hershey Highway goes on, I feel it will end in…

 

Tragedy.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS

Posted in Uncategorized. Tagged with , , , , , , , .

She’s looking for marriage. No word on what her boobs want.

When reading today’s post, it’s best to use a Jessica Tandy type voice in a Frasier sort of accent:

Lady’s Lessons to Procure Marriage

Lesson the first when trying to obtain the attention of a Gentleman in hopes of a “True Relationship”, it’s best to pile a schmatta on top of your head whilst giving the “duckface”.

Lesson the second find a bed that looks as if in it’s a motel that charges by the hour, lay down on said bed and show your sweatermeat. Now, be a lady and don’t give it all away! A True Gentleman seeking marriage will not want to see your areolae  until at least the first date.

Remember, you are a lady!

Lesson the final You’re tragic

 

Thus endeth the lady lesson, brought to you by today’s finest example of a Lady.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS

Posted in Uncategorized. Tagged with , , , , , , , .

Lose a contact lens?

This photo is like many of the dater’s photos I stumble across when I’m drunk, high, and resigned to dying alone- I haven’t the first clue what in the hell is going on with it.

This is exactly what my Dad looks like when he tries to fold his enormous body over to tie his shoe. I don’t want to think of my Dad when I’m perusing for companionship. I definitely don’t want to see it in a lady.

We may never know what in the hell is going on here. But I bet we can all agree that it’s…

Tragic.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS

Posted in photo, Uncategorized. Tagged with , , , , , , , .

Muppet Sacrilege

 

I can’t tell if this gentleman is wearing a Cookie Monster outfit or if Cookie Monster ate him and he’s peering out of his stomach, Pinocchio style.  With Cookie Monster’s zeal for cookies, it could be totally feasibly that during one of his psychotic sugar binges he ate a Dater looking for love.

Only online dating could make something so delightfully whimsical as a Muppet…
Tragic.

Now let’s all enjoy america’s favorite blue monster suffering from a serious eating disorder:

 

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS

Posted in photo, Uncategorized. Tagged with , , , , , .

Roshashanna

Since today is a religious holiday, I thought I’d acknowledge a holy day with a semi-religious post.

Oops, scratch that – our Dater USED to be religious, but now he’s just super horny and just dying to lost it “too” someone.

I guess when you throw out your religious ideals, things like homonyms don’t really matter.

In just a short amount of time, he manages to lose me in a mere matter of sentences when rage over “kids these days” makes him lose sight of sentence structure. Something about being 22? I have no idea. That’s what happens when you don’t get laid – it clouds with your head.

All I know is a first date, a first intimate moment, and a homonym with this guy will be…

Tragic.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS

Posted in photo, Uncategorized. Tagged with , , , , , , .

Preach it, Sister

tiredOur self-proclaimed “sexy” Dater has had ENOUGH. Homegirl is totally fed up with pen pals more than 200 miles away. although 135 miles seems to be acceptable.

She is cutting off all “internet gamers” at the pass and is deleting in 6 days.  (I gave her a saucy hat to even out the hostility.)

So, if you live under 200 miles from her, and you are NOT an internet gamer, and you have interwebs access for the next 6 days, then this lady MIGHT – just MIGHT – consider that.

BTW – I love the glamour photo taken at the gas station. I feel like this will be a new trend replacing bathroom mirror shots with an iphone.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS

Posted in Uncategorized. Tagged with , , , .

Halloween in Hell

There are so many monstrously disturbing things in this Halloween photo I can’t even begin to comprehend them all.

Let’s get to it:

  • The 99 cent store “decorations” are half assed at best.
  • The frat boy reject “party” that looks like a date rapist roundtable.
  • With the excpetion of our Dater, no one else is in costume unless everyone is going as a “date rapist roundtable”

And our Dater’s costume. Oh God, our Dater’s costume. If he, indeed, is in on the group “date rapist roundtable” costume, then I suppose he did a great, terrifying. successful job.

But if he is not, then what that means is that homeboy actually browsed for something, saw a cheap ass Conway-caliber foam “outfit” with a tube near his penis with the classy instructions “blow me” and thought “OMG this is soooo perfect for Josh’s party.” 

 Consider the ladies charmed, Dater. And Josh – I’m totally calling the cops on all of you.

 

Let’s see the scoreboard:

Date Rapists – 3 Ladies – 0

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks
  • RSS

Posted in photo, Uncategorized. Tagged with , , , , , , , , , .